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The Fear of Success

Newstalk Magazine is available now for free from the Apple app store. When Brian O’Dri...
Newstalk
Newstalk

11.15 16 Apr 2014


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The Fear of Success

The Fear of Success

Newstalk
Newstalk

11.15 16 Apr 2014


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Newstalk Magazine is available now for free from the Apple app store.

When Brian O’Driscoll celebrated Ireland’s Six Nations win at Stade the France, I doubt any of us felt anything but pride. I was particularly touched by his affectionate hug with RTÉ sports reporter Clare McNamara whom he must know pretty well after all these years in rugby. It showed me a very real and human side to an iconic athlete and only added to my existing admiration for this hero.

It seems BOD is not dazzled by the lights of his own achievements, and this got me thinking about how fear of our own success is something that can often hold us back.

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But have you ever asked yourself ‘what keeps me from being successful?’ Maybe you are afraid to try something in case you fail? Or could it be that you are your own worst enemy?

The truth is we often don’t believe that we are capable of success. But if we want to be truly successful in life then we have to learn to believe in ourselves – after all, if you do not think that you can be successful, then who will? Life success does not mean that you will not fail but it means that your mistakes will teach you something and show you a better way to get what you want.

Oxford psychologist Jeffrey Gray proposed that there are two primitive systems in the brains of animals and humans alike – one for approach and one for avoidance. The approach system is focused on seeking rewards – for example, taking a higher paid job but with exposure to more risks. The avoidance system is focused on shunning punishment – the pain of rejection in your new role, possible failure or future unemployment.

The great thing about the approach system is its self-fulfilling nature. Success breeds success. Focusing on the positive and believing in your own success allows the brain to function clearly without any self-sabotaging antics. It lifts our mood and boosts our motivation, according to Gray. Equally then, failure breeds failure, so if we focus on the fear of failure, our outcome is ultimately limited.

Through studying psychotherapy I have come to believe that we really do live in fear or love. Mostly, we live in fear. That fear is manifested as our everyday anxieties, where we find ourselves living in regret of the past or grasping at the future. But have you ever thought about how fear can hold you back from living? How fear can hold you back from joy? We can be afraid to love, to give, to share… because fear tells us we might get hurt.

Joy, however, is manifested in presence – that point at which we shed the past, let go of the future and are just there, where we are, in that moment. Our fear and our anxiety are often about a sense that we lack control, or that we have or will lose control. Guess what though? You can't control anything. We'd like to think we can, but we can't. We can only do what we are doing in the moment. And joy comes from squeezing that moment for all it's worth.

If we want to connect with our full potential, we need to accept and love ourselves in every moment, even when our truth feels heavy. Dr Brené Brown, a ‘vulnerability researcher’ (and a big hit with her TED Talks on YouTube) explains how shame can be one of the biggest barriers to connection. If you believe there is something wrong with you – that you are somehow unworthy – you may hide who you are in fear of being judged and rejected. There is no shame in having emotions, however, and as Dr Brown points out, it’s nearly impossible to numb the uncomfortable ones without also diluting the positive.

Watch Dr Brené Brown’s TED Talk on the power of vulnerability, June 2010

From her research, Dr Brown has highlighted what she calls ‘3 Shields’ that prevent us from experiencing the power of vulnerability. As you read, ask yourself if any, or all of these, play a crucial role in your life.

Perfectionism – your life is ruled by doing everything perfectly; Numbing – you use alcohol, drugs, work, food, to deaden your true feelings; and Foreboding Joy – you allow dread to creep in just as you’re experiencing happiness. You think: ‘This can’t last forever!’ You literally kill your own joy within minutes.

As a psychotherapist I have done a lot of work on myself. It’s necessary and it’s continued. In getting to know myself I have allowed the full range of my emotions. Like a radio dial on a frequency I tune in, no matter what end of the scale, whether in sadness or in joy. It’s not easy, but I would rather live from that place of authenticity than numb myself to the possibilities.

In being privileged enough to meet many different clients, I have become more and more aware of how we unconsciously shut off from our emotions out of fear of living from this honest, and often vulnerable place, of feeling. Why should we show our true emotions when life can be so cruel? Why should we, when society acts like we’re all happy once we’ve shared a picture online or posted a comment declaring such happiness?

We all fall foul to this behaviour. It’s hard not to… and, sometimes, we truly are happy and just want to share that experience in connection with others.

But it is only when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, that we allow the full spectrum of emotion from pain to joy. If we want to know joy, elation, excitement, and everything else that makes life worth living, we need to give ourselves permission to feel the full range of emotions.

It often saddens me to think we have to limit who we truly are in order to get where we want in life. As Dr Brown describes, we cut off our creativity and capacity for joy out of fear of becoming too vulnerable or ‘weak’.

4 ways to experience the power of vulnerability:

Be real

Say how you feel & embrace all emotions

Risk it

Live like there are no guarantees – don’t worry about failure

Don’t be a hero

Ask for help when you need it

Get rejected

No makes room for the right yes

No matter how important success might seem to you, it is still important to follow it with balance – otherwise your journey towards success will turn into an obsession that will ruin everything that you truly love in life.

Success is not a destination. It’s a journey, and it’s important that we take each step feeling grounded and balanced. Spend time with your loved ones, follow your passion, take care of your health and ultimately believe in yourself.

Read Brian O’Driscoll’s article on leadership for the first issue of Newstalk Magazine in May last year.

This article originally appeared in Newstalk Magazine for iPad in March, for more details go here.


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